Experiencing a New Emotion: Rage

Experiencing a New Emotion: Rage

There is a dark pit inside of me.
A rage I am unused to.
It’s not an emotion that is part of my usual crew.
sad.
hopeless.
depressed.
anxious.
love.

So many others.
But rage?

I started writing this as I start so much else, in my head. The words become ephemeral, I edit, write and discover what I want to say as words scroll through my mind.

Rage.

Release.
I felt the need to release. I started writing the words in water, on the tile while I showered. Hoping to erase, release…to let go of this rage as the words never truly appear, as they get washed away with the grime and baby drool on me, accumulated from days without a shower that this mama has become used to.

Rage.

I ran to the water to breathe, to inhale, to search for peace inside of me as I often do.
Instead, I am forced to jump out and scrawl these words in my journal, my handwriting near intelligible, getting the words out and thought and emotions down as fast as I can.
Red.
Rage.

So fucking frustrated.
I feel so unhealthy.
I can’t begin to describe it.

I have dreams several times a night of rage, scream yelling at people. Of feeling panicked and anxious. This is new, within the last few months and I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it.

Rage with feeling rage.

Please let me release this rage.

♥Kendra

Share: Have you ever suddenly noticed a new emotion rolling inside of you that you weren’t used to? Was it positive or negative and how did you learn to embrace or release it?

 

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One Comment

  1. Posted December 14, 2012 at 8:37 am | Permalink

    Hi sweetheart,
    I replied in the Circles, but I felt called to paste the reply here as well because I had those words written nearly verbatim in my journal a year ago. Here’s what I said over there: “Darling I feel I could have written this verbatim after the newborn haze disappeared and I remember thinking RAGE?! What the hell is RAGE?! I’ve never had this. I don’t know how old your little one is, but the RAGE turned out to be a marker of severe post partum depression for me, which I didn’t even understand until she was about 5-6 months old. I thought PPD would look like depression had looked in the past, or feeling disconnected from the baby, or not wanting to be a mum. Nope – for me it took the form of rage, hating my spouse, serious anxiety, and eventually I began harming myself to get the release of the rage. I am certainly not recommending that as a release; I’m only recommending that if you are consistantly feeling this emotion AND you have this beautiful, strong inner voice that you’ve shared with us… listen to your inner voice. It is telling you something. It is protecting you and if it is SCREAMING RIGHT NOW, drop everything immediately and listen to it. My inner voice came out only in my journal and when I looked back, even the handwriting was different. Thankfully our inner voices are loud and strong and fighters even when we are at rock bottom.”

    [Reply]

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