I can’t pinpoint a specific date I started to feel bad, but at some point, I realized something was wrong.
In July sometime, I noticed I was on edge. I was easily annoyed and angry at everything. Anger isn’t a normal emotion for me, I very rarely Hulk rage about things but for about 2 weeks, I was just so tense and so ARGH! about everything and nothing all at once. I was off balance.
I started withdrawing from my online space and my business, things began to get harder as the week went on. It was a struggle to sit down and think of anything at all to write, let alone something positive or helpful. My anger and annoyance soon turned to lethargy and sadness.
I have both depression and anxiety but anxiety is generally the most prominent. I’m not often depressed in a hopeless, I just want to sleep for ever way anymore. But in July, I was. I could barely get up off the couch, I took naps once my husband was home. I was fatigued and I had no motivation.
It felt hopeless to get better, to feel well. I just felt so sad and I knew I knew it was wrong.
When I wasn’t crying or sleeping, I was questioning everything. What was the point of trying to run a business when I have to pause my efforts to take care of myself? What if I am forever in this place of trying to build and build and not to a place of progress and success that I won’t feel like a failure for taking some time off.
I had a therapy appointment for July 27th. The previous appointment was hard because I was feel DONE talking about food. I was done trying to fix it, done talking about it, done thinking about it. I just didn’t want to work on it anymore. But by the time July 27th rolled around, I was so sad that I was having a hard time function and was slightly looking forward to therapy.
But my appointment had to be cancelled.
And then life happened. And bills happened and panic attacks and anxiety that took over. For about a week I was having daily (sometime multiple) panic attacks.
I knew something was wrong and I didn’t know how to fix it.
Because I was at the point that I knew I didn’t have the energy or the will to try to get better yet. I couldn’t face working on myself, I couldn’t face talking about what was wrong or do anything positive for myself. I needed time to wallow, I wanted time to sleep.
I had a few fleeting thoughts of, “I wish someone could come and take this away.” But after everything I’ve been through, I know that isn’t the case anymore. I know that all it takes is work on my part but I wasn’t ready for that.
I allowed myself the time.I decided to take part in the August Break. I needed permission to set aside social media, content creation and business growth and just focus internally for a few weeks.
I journaled, I painted and I listened to music. I took pictures and I edited them and shared very few.
During my working hours when I didn’t have my son, I often took hours to lie in bed and read instead of work. I went easy on myself. I’m still going easy on myself.
After a few weeks of my moods being so up and down and so extreme, I knew something was wrong. I had heard of medication tolerance before but had never experienced it until now.
It took about a week of trying to find a new psychiatrist before I finally got in to see someone. She upped my Cymbalta dosage and added a new Xanax prescription for when I need it. I’ve been on Cymbalta for about 2 years and it’s been successful in helping manage my depression and anxiety.
From what I can find, there’s not a lot out there on the subject besides to say that yeah it happens but we can’t always know when or why or who. The body just gets used to your dosage or your specific medication and your depression, anxiety…etc may come back.
That’s what happened for me. I’ve been on my higher dose of Cymbalta for 3 weeks (as of writing this post). No, I’m not where I was but I am slowly getting back there. At the beginning of August there is no way I could have sat down to write this all out. For weeks I struggled with leaving the house but now I’m back to taking my son to the library and the park for fun.
My panic attacks have lessened from multiple a day to a few a week and when they happen, as long as I’m safe and able, I take a Xanax and I’m okay with that.
It’s felt so good to reconnect with writing and art and just let myself be, ya know? This time has given me the space to think about how I need to build my business from here on out. I love working 1-on-1 with women and I will continue to offer those services but I will also be working to build up what is called “passive income” (I dislike the connotations of that word!), so when I need to take a week or a month break for my own mental health, I have systems in place so my business can keep running and keep helping women.
Am I back to the daily grind, working as hard as I was before? Absolutely not but I am slowly taking more time to focus on content creation and helping women online again but I’m doing it with a good balance of art and rest on the side.
Share in the comments: Have you ever experienced medication tolerance? What was it like for you and how did you get back to a healthy state?